We tend to take more time to make careful agreements to keep our money safe by way of business contracts than we take to consider the safety of our own heart. In relationship, many people stumble into relating without giving much conscious thought about how to make it work or make it safe. This means that often patterns are taken on from family conditioning or cultural ideals, and may not actually be what you want or need. Many of our habits in relating actually make it unsafe to keep our hearts open, both our and our partner's...and we start wondering where the love went.
By becoming conscious about how our actions affect one another, and also the hurts we have accumulated from the past, we can start to make a Relationship Agreement Field together. This is about co-creating a safe space to expand into love together. Read on to find out how...
What is a Relationship Agreement Field?
The most important factor in an intimate relationship is feeling safe for your heart to be open. All sorts of experiences make our hearts defend themselves during life, such as heartbreak, bullying, abuse and so on. Many people long for love, but at the same time have immense fears about being hurt again.
A Relationship Agreement Field is an agreement designed to create a safe space (or field) for both of your hearts to flourish.
Important: this is NOT about imposing restrictions on your partner out of fear. e.g.
"You're not allowed to hang out with your female friends anymore."
"You're not allowed to wear sexy clothes in public."
"You're not allowed to dance with other men/women"
These kinds of restrictions will make the other person feel trapped and sooner or later they will try to break free (either through dishonesty or by leaving).
Instead, the couple need to share their fears and expose the vulnerability underneath them. It is vital to get in touch with the parts inside of you that have been hurt in the past. Our hurt places have all sort of defenses built on top of them, obviously to protect us. But in this process you are intending to share what is under the fears and defense, and allow your partner to hold space for your deeper pain and vulnerability.
Once we share what is truly vulnerable, a miracle often happens: the other person actually WANTS to hold us and make us safe, as it will touch their heart.
So rather than saying:
"You're not allowed to dance with other men/women" or even "I am afraid if you dance with others that you will get too close to them"...
Dig deeper into your pain and the story around it and share that:
"A few years ago in my three-year long relationship, my partner met this woman at a salsa night, and behind my back they started to meet and....etc (story). How this made me feel was a deep sense of betrayal and also I felt shame....etc (feelings and pain).
By sharing your feelings, this allows your partner to witness you and feel your pain, and directly experience the places that your heart felt hurt.
It is from this place of mutual compassion that you will both feel like creating a safe space together for your hearts to feel the trust to open up into the deepest love. (And by the way, if your partner does not feel like doing that, then it could be time to seriously consider whether this relationship is the right place for you to be!)
The most powerful way is for the other partner to make suggestions, so that you don't feel you are imposing rules at all.
"Than you for sharing your story and feelings. I want to help you rebuild trust around that. How about we go to salsa together, stay energetically connected to each other even when we are with other partners, and then we can check in with each other when we get home from the night. I want for you to be able to feel safe with me dancing with others and to know that this will not threaten our love, and that I will always come home with you. I also want to say, that if I do feel attraction or energy with another woman, that I will come and talk with you about it first, rather than acting upon it."
These kinds of agreements create safe space without imposing restrictions. After all, you could become attracted to someone else, this cannot be controlled. But you can make sure you have agreements in place so that you don't abandon or betray each other.
Typical ways in which our hearts get hurt:
The amazing thing is, when our hearts feel safe they blossom open like flowers and love radiates out! So making it safe to love could be one of the best things you ever decide to do as a couple.
It will be different for each couples AND things can change over time. If you are building trust well together then you will both feel safer with each other. Rather like a young sapling tree that needs wooden stakes to help it grow at first, but once it is big enough you can take that support away.
Download a free copy of my Guide to Creating a Relationship Agreement Field and start to create yours now...
© 2014. Shashi Solluna. All rights reserved.